Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
How does it feel to date your dad?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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