clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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