I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
