in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
A bitchslap is in order.
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