my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
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worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
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It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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