I think my fart just growled at me.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
