So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
