Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
