The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
