Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
