he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
