Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
