My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
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