hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
