I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
