remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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