I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
It's blow job season.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
