remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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