fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
