theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Randomize
