You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
