What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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