I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Randomize
