I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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