we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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