Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Randomize
