i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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