he puts the penis in happiness.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
