Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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