Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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