FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
It's shark week go big or go home
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
