The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
