I hate all girls vehemently.
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
