Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Randomize
