her vagina looked like bernie madoff
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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