I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
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