Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
