Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
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