before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
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