i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Houston, we have a squirter
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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