my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
