last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
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Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
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I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.