Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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