But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
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