Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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