I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Randomize
