i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
