So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
