i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
