This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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