Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
You are a genius and a whore.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
