Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize