Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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