I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
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it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
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I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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